


Lattice

by Aryagraceling



Series: Catharsis [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-04-05 11:08:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14042931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aryagraceling/pseuds/Aryagraceling
Summary: Why Kakashi wears his mask.





	Lattice

The first scar Kakashi gives himself sits low along the like of his jaw, just below his chin. He is six years old, and his father is disappointed that he's only just made chunin. Kakashi doesn't like being a disappointment. He is better, knows better. _Be better than the best,_ Sakumo always says. A red splotch decorates the bathroom sink as he cuts. The stinging pain is just enough to distract him from the pain in his heart.

***

Kakashi cuts again when Sakumo kills himself. He hates the way tears mix with the blood in the drain as he drags the knife along the smooth skin of his cheek. He misses his father, hates his father. Loves him. Kakashi thinks about how he hates himself, how he couldn't save his father. Scars track the line of his jaw as he pulls a new mask up his face, pain spidering out from the new wounds.

***

Tenzo takes off Kakashi's ANBU mask and holds his head in both hands. He asks why no one has ever seen him without the mask. Kakashi says it's because he doesn't want his face recognizable by an enemy. Tenzo points out the mask makes him noticeable. Kakashi's scars rub against the fabric in Tenzo’s hands and he wishes he could take off the mask, be there for his teammate, show him why he's asking the impossible.

***

The second tattoo Kakashi adorns himself with stings his ribs for almost 9 hours. It's 9 hours he doesn't think about how Tenzo left him three months ago. When the piece is done, he goes home to an empty apartment and decides to make another mark on his face. The pale skin resembles the lattice of the fence Tenzo had grown outside. Kakashi thinks about how his scars are becoming harder to hide.

***

Genma takes him by surprise. The assassin is almost as broken as he is, and their pieces tangling together are bright glass shining in moonlight. Genma’s senbon pierces his lip through the mask as he leans to kiss Kakashi, and Kakashi smiles for the first time in years.

***

One night Genma trails his finger down Kakashi’s arm and asks why he gets so many tattoos. In a rare moment of post-coital vulnerability, Kakashi tells him it's so the pain inside doesn't feel as bad, then asks why he cares. Genma tells him it's because he loves him. Kakashi rolls away and tells him he shouldn't.

***

On the anniversary of Sakumo’s death, Kakashi makes sure no one is nearby as he cuts at the memorial stone. The Sharingan catches his reflection in the black rock, the way blood tracks over the scars. He knows he's a disappointment to his father, the village, to Genma. The pain of the knife doesn't dull the ache inside of him.

***

Kakashi fights with Genma that night. He asks Genma to hurt him, and the assassin delivers. He leaves and Kakashi doesn't hear a word from him until the Hokage sends him as a summoner five weeks later. Kakashi tears at himself that night, after being dismissed from ANBU. The scars are harder to cut through, and he cries.

***

When he's assigned Minato’s child, he balks at the responsibility. The three genin wear on his patience, then wear at the feeling of not being enough. Naruto tells him frequently that he's the coolest, and Kakashi begins to feel a glimmer of hope. He doesn't cut for months.

***

The teacher, Iruka, worms his way into Kakashi's heart slowly. He's reassuring, kind, and gentle, and makes Kakashi feel safe. He only cuts five times in the first year they spend together, and only after missions gone bad. The mask remains fully in place, but Kakashi thinks about removing it more and more.

***

After failing to retrieve Sasuke, the feeling if hopelessness resurfaces. Kakashi isn't good enough, needs to be better, to do more. He's the worst nin in Konoha, who can't even bring a teammate back. Kakashi sits in the bathroom and probes the new wound on his face. This one is deeper, the knife harder and harder to control. Blessed pain helps him focus on something other than his feelings.

***

Iruka catches him pulling up the mask one day and draws him close. He just asks why, and Kakashi can't speak. Iruka holds him as sobs rack his body, pent-up emotion being released in a flood of tears. Kakashi tells him he wants to do it again, do it now, and Iruka says he won't let him, that he loves him. This time? Kakashi believes him.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback via kudos and comments encouraged and greatly appreciated! You can also let me know your thoughts via [Tumblr](https://sparkswithyou.tumblr.com), [Twitter](https://twitter.com/AryaGrace4), or [Discord](https://discord.gg/sf4E5Up).


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